June 28th, 2012: 249 lbs. today. As cool as that is, I still hope I can keep it there (or even lose more) for tomorrow, just for official purposes – and it gives me that margin of 1 pound. I aimed for 100 pounds in 180 days, but of course I’d take 101 in 180.
My plan is just for a quick exhalation of satisfaction for seeing it through this far, and then to get right back to it, next stop 189 lbs.
Damn, just as a quick reminiscence – Some guys at work were talking about their weights, and one of them said he weighed 249 lbs. I was close to 350 then, and I remember thinking how cool it would be to weigh 249 lbs., and how that seemed so ridiculously out of reach for me at that point.
Do you ever notice how when I talk about weight, or when people talk about weight, in general, they say “I am (insert number) lbs.” People rarely say, “I weigh (insert number) lbs. Get what I’m saying? In this demanding and often shallow world where we live, and for better or worse, it’s almost like you are what you weigh, and if it not’s within a certain parameter, it seems to put you in a life-position that’s just not as “proper” as someone whose weight lies comfortably within some kind of curve (and I doubt it’s a standard bell curve).
Well, wish me luck that I weigh less than or equal to 250 lbs. when I step on the scale tomorrow morning.
June 28th, 2020: I could very easily defend the stance that what you weigh does not matter. I could also easily defend the stance that one of the most important things in life is how much you weigh.
It’s the double-edge sword of education that makes life confusing at times. Some people tear college apart as a waste of time, and there are moments when I agree, especially when I have to pay my student-loan bill every month. On the other hand, college opened up doors that allowed me to understand the opinions of other people from other cultures – their challenges, etc. It also gave me new insights about opinions contrary to my rather ignorant stances.
My opinions as a kid and a young man were based on limited exposure to information about the big picture. I had my beliefs about everything from the death penalty to wolves to abortion to free-speech, etc., that while simple, were comforting because I never bothered to examine the other side of the story. At college, you’re exposed to that other side, and it plants these seeds of doubt in your mind about those things you just knew you were right about before – and because you felt right, you also felt supreme in your limited knowledge.
It’s often humbling to learn more about something, but I think it’s for the best. I think it’s the better person, who ultimately has the better argument, who has examined and maybe even lived both sides of the story. So back to the very first two sentences up there (weight does or doesn’t matter…)
I happen to think that, while what you weigh is certainly not who you are, for the person like me with an eating disorder, it’s the central gravitational singularity about which all of the rest of my life rotates at the moment. This is not going to be forever, but for nearly a decade, there has been no doubt about how much a scale number matters. Prior to The Program, it was there in some form, probably daily even, for an additional 15 years. And seriously, I’m not a simple person, I have a colorful palette of interests, and a hoarder’s garage full of memories and experiences. Yet here I am, still starting every single day by stepping on a bathroom scale so I can say, “I am _______ lbs”, and not “I weigh________lbs”.
