Day 4

Journal Entry (Day 4, January 5th, 2012): Day 4 – Still the same weight. Going to increase the exercise a bit. I’m still testing and trying different things, and I think that for me, all my exercise has to include sweat and upping my heart rate for at least 30 minutes. Lifting weights has always been my go-to, but cardio has got to be where it’s at for me. Treadmill right now, until I lose 50 lbs. or so, then jogging and other things. It’s not like I haven’t been down this road before. I once got down to 268 before I lost the faith. I was doing stuff like the Insanity DVD and Biggest Loser video yoga DVD. And lifting. At one time I was hitting close to 400 lbs. on the bench press (course, I don’t have to move the bar very far). But I think I’ll just do the best I can with the treadmill. Right now, my mental promise to myself is to try my hardest to think in small time increments, day to day at the most. My saying has always been – “When things get too big, think small. When things get too small, think big.” More on that later. I’ll hit the treadmill for 30 today, and I’ll bet I lose for tomorrow. Got to check the scale every day right now. Maybe I’ll back up to once a week after awhile.

Real time (commentary and hindsight): Still. The. Same. Weight.  F**k!!

Seems like I was taking that in stride. I think I was lying to myself. It was more aggravating than I was projecting there. But, I knew I had to talk to myself as if another person was talking to me, so it was like “no big deal – you’ve only been miserable for 4 days. Give it time.”

So it was treadmill only.  And – When things get too big, I’ll think small.  When things get too small, I’ll think big.  Translation: This whole thing, including me, is too big, I’ve got to scale it back to hour by hour, day by day at the most.  

When I was in seventh grade, there was a poster on the wall outside of Mr. Cleverly’s class that had a yardstick on it. There were words on the yardstick: “Inch by inch, life’s a cinch.  Yard by yard, life’s hard.”  I’ll never forget it.  But then sometimes I’m catching myself here stressing over the goddamn minutiae of this day and this diet and these little bitty portions and this big fat gut and I’m saying to myself – “Why, why, why?  Why starve, why worry.  Just fucking eat what you want, nobody gives a shit.  Just re-calibrate your idea of happiness, so when you run into the Richard’s of the world, you can just laugh them off and carry on.  The little bitty portions are way more aggravating than the big fat gut.  You only live once, enjoy it!!!”

But no!!! I slam my fist onto the desk.  This is those demons – here they are right there, just like I knew they’d be, the bastards!  Talking me out of it, helping me with my excuses.  Just once, for once, don’t listen to the voices.  So I think big instead of small.  I tell myself that if I can lose this weight, then I will have my confidence back. When I lose this weight, I will automatically have all what I’ve ever wanted.  I will march directly through hell because on the other side is heaven on Earth, where I can breathe and tie my shoes at the same time.