April 29th, 2012: There’s got to be yin with yang, or static with smooth, or something. I guess I’ll stay at 272 for another day. Static is boring, that’s all I’ve gotta say. Gain – sucks, loss- rocks, static – meh.
I’m punching in at about 2300 calories per day. This takes some effort because it’s exactly what I need. Not what I want, but what I need. It’s just enough. I always have difficulty determining where “enough” is, however, and of course it’s no different with food. When I finish breakfast, I’m feeling fine, but not full, and same with lunch and dinner. My body tells me fine is awesome, but my brain tells me that fine ain’t nearly enough, and I should be full, or maybe even a little stuffed.
There’s definitely a biological component at work here. Maybe I’m part bear, where I think I have to eat to prepare for a 6-month hibernation. Even if there is a biological component, or an evolutionary element to diet, I’ve got to remember I’m actually living in the time-period of modern human-being, and food is available basically, always. The Maverick down the road there ain’t gonna run out of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
April 29th, 2020: Real quick commentary on the commentary from yesterday. Just wanted to clear up the statement about that guilt-giver never being my friend again. This isn’t entirely true, this person could still be friend, but now it’s a friend with an asterisk. The asterisk would denote that we could still be friends, yes, but I will never behave around this person in such a way that they would get the true me. From then on, that person is getting only a portion of my personality; and will never again be afforded the chance to know the real me. Sorry mom, dad, and brother, and whoever else. The deal stands with eating around someone like that – unless it’s the last supper, and it’s not a buffet, my asterisk friend, we ain’t ever breaking bread together again.
Dieting, or whatever you want to call it, brings my emotions right to the surface. My nerves are raw and exposed to the wind. It’s difficult to maintain a sense of humor, it’s difficult to be entirely relaxed, and for me, it’s quite demanding to make even a half-step out of a routine.
Is this a good thing? Well, it yields the prize I’ve begged the universe to give me since the moment I realized I was overweight. The program has done it and done it to well above my expectations. There’s been very few things in life that I’ve followed to the letter before I took the liberty of improvisation and fucked everything up. Maybe that’s cause the program’s basically my baby – I’ve taken all I learned with the lumps, lies, and bruises and created something that needs very few asterisks, or requires a list of assumptions.
Raw nerves and an altered sense of humor aside, I think that if you want something bad enough, and I do want this, then the sacrifices must continue. So the next challenge is to build back up the yesterday’s me where I didn’t take myself quite so seriously. I guess anyway. I enjoy discipline; and exposing who I really am is sometimes quite cathartic. Honesty allows me to relax my memory a little bit because I don’t have to recreate and remodel stories to satisfy friends with asterisks.
